Man: Wanna hear a joke about my C*ck, nevermind, it's too long Woman: Wanna hear a joke about my P*ssy, oh wait you'll never get it

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- Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason - Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!

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- How do you like your eggs in the morning? - Unfertilized !

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Stop Footing Around

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guy: hey do you know how to sly a dragon? girl:No. guy: well your no help.

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- So what do you do for a living? - I'm a female impersonator.

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Are your prices by the hour

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- I'd like to call you. What's your number? - It's in the phone book. - But I don't know your name. - That's in the phone book too.

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- Your place or mine? - Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.

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- So, wanna go back to my place? - Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?

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Hey wanna smash pissers?

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SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda. WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die? SYLVIA: I froze to death. WANDA: How horrible! SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. SYLVIA: So, what happened? WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer ---we'd both still be alive....?

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- Is this seat empty? - Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

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Men. We must always hold the door open, Pull the chairs out and pay for our women whilst remembering to treat them as equals.

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- Haven't I seen you someplace before? - Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.

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- Haven't we met before? - Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic.

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my love for you is like diarrhea. i can never hold it in

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the most beatiful woman I have ever seen, so could you move out the way please

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Six simple words: I'm not gay, but I'll learn.

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Male: You're so beautiful. Female: Well thank you. Male: Yeah, you look just like my Mom.

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Hitler: Hey Mädchen, du bist Jude? Girl: What? Hitler: Ärmel hochkrempeln, ich brauche deine Nummer.

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You look like one that does not charge for sex ;)

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-Your feet must be tired 'cuz you've been running through my mind. -Yea, I was running away from you.

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Him: Does your dad own a bakery? Her: Yes, Why? Him: Because I saw his advertisement in the newspaper

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!