The ability to speak with dead relatives but only whilst masturbating

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BOY: Are you a chicken? GIRL: Why? BOY: Because I'll like you to lay on my eggs all day...

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Dating tips 101: First you find a girl that likes you. Then you realize no girl likes you. Moral: Lesson done.

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If your right leg was Thanksgiving and your left leg was Christmas, could i come between the holidays?

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man: wanna know how i know we're going to f**k tonight? woman: how? man: cuz im stronger than you!

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Hey are you on your period? Because I've been following you and I've noticed there's a blood stain on your ass...

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If your happy and you know it clap your hands!! What if I lost my hands in Nam while I was singing this song and a plane killed my friend causing me to ct off both of my hands?

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Boy: So...Um...How's life? Girl: Great, until you came along.

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Are you an ornithologist?... because my penis is incredibly swollen with blood.

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baby please dont make this rape turn into a murder

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Did you gain weight? Because I think your gravitational pull towards me just increased.

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Man: Are you a beach? Cause I'm sure there's a lot of crabs crawling around down there

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Roses are red, violets are blue. When I take a shit I think about you bitch *flushes the toilet*

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Put the lotion on the skin!

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Husband: I will always get breakfast and newspapers in bed AT 5:30 baby, but not wake me when you wake up at 4:30

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i am with stupid l l l \/

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- I think i lost my number, can i have yours? - I think i lost my number too.

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Girl, now I want you to be on top! Okay, what position? DOGGY STYLE! Moral: Sickman Fraud, with that name smart people should listen with one eye open, while geniuses keep their eyes and ears shut.

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"Can I buy you a drink or do I have to have sex with you first?"

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How much do you like peanut butter?

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(At a Funeral) Male: I have a raging erection.

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Don't worry, I love fat birds....why are you crying?

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Hey girl... U remind me of my pinkie toe.. Ur small cite and I'll probably bang u on the coffee table later

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Man: Yeah I have done it with thousands of women all around the world... THOUSANDS! Woman: Okay... then ill come home with you, I want an experienced man to be my first... At his house: Woman: I AM SCARED! Will it hurt? Its my first time and... Man: I dunno! I am scared as Its my first time too! :( Moral: A man whose is scared of sex... pfffffff!

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!