I hope you like trees because I've got wood!

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So you want tonight to be consensual or not?

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Hey baby that dress is amazing! It would look even better as a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor!

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Q: Where did Bethany hide the dead baby? A: In the trash can

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when ilfe gives you lemons i squirt the jiuce in my eyes so i dont have to stare at you anymore :)

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-There's a 'U' in beautiful. -Yeah, and there's a 'U' in ugly.

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Are you a parking ticket because I'm spending all my money on you and wish you were gone.

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- So what do you do for a living? - I'm a female impersonator.

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sHe; Theirs a "L" in love. he; and theirs a L in Lick my penis.

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- You're a bombshell! - Too bad it ain't gonna BANG!

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Losers pick-up sex guide. 1. Create a beautiful environment at home, with candles, romantic music, etc. 2. Buy lube, some sexy female underwear, a couple of sex toys, some erotic magazines to excite you`re partner. 3. Pick-up you`re stuff and masturbate.

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-I think you're the best looking girl in here. -Really? Well, I'd better go find the best looking guy then, hadn't I!

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-I'm addicted to yes, and I'm allergic to no. So what's it gonna be? -I'll start dialing 911 for you now.

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"My mom won't be home for hours..."

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Male: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put I and U togather Female: Oh really, because if I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put F and U together.

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is your name macaulay culkin? cuz you're going home alone.

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Hey, nice shoes..... Wanna F***?

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Drunk guy with high standards part 3: Man: Dunno woman... you are so big and... and... FAT and really huge and stuff but... well... uh.. you are still really damn hot so lets do it! Man: YAAAAARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Astronauts: Did that guy really eject himself towards the sun? Moral: At least he was right about the really hot part... and that ladies and gentlemen, is the terrible end of the amazing drunk man with high standards, you can read the whole series just by clicking onwards trough my comments and give em a thumbs ups just as you go along.. otherwise they will show up... mean they wo..

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-If you are looking at a girl and she says What are you looking at? -I thought you were good looking, but I was mistaken.

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At a ... PUB! Man: Hey... wanna... go out with a true shinob i ninja? ;) Woman: Are you not supposed to be invisible or something? Man: You can see me? SHIT! (runs away). Moral: So what if she saw you you are all covered in a pajamas anyways...

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Guy on phone:ok im on my way. Other guy:who was that,your mom? Guy on phone:no yours. (this is not mine ,its from Cyanide en Happines).

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- Your place or mine? - Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.

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Male: I'm all you've got good lookin' Female: then I must not have alot

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A long time ago I had a vision of someone like you. I was in a psych ward, wearing a straight jacket. Would you like some blended cheese?

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!