Excuse me, is the red bike outside yours? Because it is parking illegally, I'll have to take your details so I can report you to the authorities...

thumb_up thumb_down -5

have met you before? i like eating my dogs shit.

thumb_up thumb_down -118

Criminals are even more smarter these days My wife woke me up in the middle of the night and said that there were burglars downstairs so I went quietly looking for them when I realised I'm not married

thumb_up thumb_down -87

Soon

thumb_up thumb_down -83

-Go on don't be shy, Ask me out. -Okay Go out.

thumb_up thumb_down +14

Man: Wanna come see my collection of stamps? ;) Woman: Actually id prefer we go to your place have sex ;) Man: GEEEEEEEZ! What does a man have to do to show off his stamp collection here?

thumb_up thumb_down +49

Intro music with slow motion running starts as I shut off the tv forever

thumb_up thumb_down -9

Want to get a pizza and fuck? What you don't like pizza?

thumb_up thumb_down +45

- Grab your coat, you've pulled - Okay, Bye!

thumb_up thumb_down -25

hey babe, are you made of copper, tellerium, tungsten and iridium? because i like people made of copper, tellerium, tungsten and iridium.

thumb_up thumb_down -26

I may not be the best looking guy in the room, but I'm the only one talking to you.

thumb_up thumb_down +19

Man:Are you in college? Woman:Yeah. Berry College. Lots of cows... Man:Well my name is Murad. You know, like, Moo to the radical. Moo, like, cows...

thumb_up thumb_down -48

-If I could arrange the alphabet, that would be cool.

thumb_up thumb_down +83

Do you have cancer, because you look diseased.

thumb_up thumb_down -119

If I asked you out on a date, would your answer to that question be the same as your answer to this question?

thumb_up thumb_down +5

-Heyyy there (; -Im lesbian.

thumb_up thumb_down -23

Guy: hey, we have been friends for a long time but I really need to tell you something Girl: omg I love you too :D Guy: what, no no. I'm a zoophilic

thumb_up thumb_down +15

Roses are red, violets are blue. When I take a shit I think about you bitch *flushes the toilet*

thumb_up thumb_down +78

I'm your Edward and your my Bella

thumb_up thumb_down -39

Hold me pint love i'm going for a dump.

thumb_up thumb_down +59

did you fall from heaven, cause i forgot my library card.

thumb_up thumb_down +12

*on Halloween* Male: My name's Dick, and you're a very pretty PUSSY-cat. Female: I'll cut off your penis.

thumb_up thumb_down +207

Hey this is crazy and I just met you so here's the kitchen a sandwich maybe?

thumb_up thumb_down -32

"Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven?" "Yes. I ruptured my bowels upon impact."

thumb_up thumb_down +27

Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!