I love Mark Wahlberg!

thumb_up thumb_down -65

When I said bitch, I meant it as a compliment...

thumb_up thumb_down +21

If you were a booger, I would pick up you first.

thumb_up thumb_down +206

Do you wanna be a pirate ship? Because there can be tons of seamen inside of you.

thumb_up thumb_down +105

-Insert man's line here- -Wanna get laid?- -TOTALLY!- -Crawl up a chicken's ass and wait.-

thumb_up thumb_down +122

Boy: If i can rearrange the keyboard, i'll put U and I next to each other Girl: It's already together dumbass

thumb_up thumb_down +89

Is that a ladder in your hose or the stairway to heaven? It is the stairway to heaven, but I've already got an asshole up there

thumb_up thumb_down +54

Are your prices by the hour

thumb_up thumb_down -18

Let me stick it in...just once baby...that's all I'll need. ;)

thumb_up thumb_down -56

He says "Where have you been all my life" She says "Hiding from you....how the hell did you find me?"

thumb_up thumb_down -1,077

that shirt looks nice on you, it would look better on the floor

thumb_up thumb_down +48

Sosiopath vs How I met your mother: Kids, this is how I met your mother. I saw her at some store, I said "Hey sexy" She told me to fuck off, so I raped her, got out of prison years later, and kids, that is how I met your mother. ...Why I am leaving? Did I ever fucking say I was your father? I Just came here to tell you I raped and killed her after serving my time which was about 2 minutes, so kids, that is how I killed your mother. YOU ARE WELCOME BY THE WAY! Ungrateful kids... Moral of the story: If they are your kids, just say no and get away, and kill Robin for better television. Bonus because nobody loves you :( Me? People either love me around here, or you know... cough... psst...rapeandie? Lets keep that a secret between us and EEEEEVEEEERYBODY ELLLLLLLSSEEEEEE (SECRET ABOVE ALERT ALERT ALERT!) Sosiopath vs Grounded for life Moral: Shot the little kid, nobody will notice, not even his own family.

thumb_up thumb_down +79

Girl: Are you a doctor? Because I think I have the flu. *sneeze*

thumb_up thumb_down -91

-hey girl, you must be a pirate cause you got a lot of booty

thumb_up thumb_down +99

Hello children! :D

thumb_up thumb_down -22

Knock Knock... Who's there Want Want who Want who fuck

thumb_up thumb_down

You wanna have sex and get married?? Ok... Sorry.

thumb_up thumb_down -43

Guy: Did you use Windex on your pants? Girl: No, why? Guy: Because I see myself in your pants.

thumb_up thumb_down +18

Hey gurl, you smell like tape!

thumb_up thumb_down -71

Do you want to dance No I suppose a blow job is out of the question then

thumb_up thumb_down -25

Are you a speeding, aggressive driver? Because your running straight up my ass

thumb_up thumb_down +31

Man: HELP! I am dying of disease and have only one day left to live! My only wish... "sob" is to procreate... to have a son or a daughter... Woman: Aww... well maybe I can help you... Man: :D I cant believe it (tears in eyes) Woman: What are you dying of? Man: Aids... Woman proceeds to disappear in a ball of smoke. Moral of the story: Dunno find it yourself ffs I dont even know why people read this crap... funny typing it though.. thumbs ups for that :D

thumb_up thumb_down +2

- Hello There Pretty Lady! - Hi... - Wow, your the fist girl I've met who has bigger boobs than I do! - Tw*t

thumb_up thumb_down -4

- Hey good looking, where've I seen you before? - I'm one of the nurses at the plastic surgery department. Want another visit?

thumb_up thumb_down +76

Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!