If you were my daughter id still be bathing you

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"Don't scream"

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-how much do i have to pay you to **** me? -how much do i get for taking you back to the zoo?

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It rubs the lotion onto it's skin

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Baby! you're on fire! Yeah, well I am an arsonist.

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Woman: lol you are get nervous when I speak to you! Man: Yeah, I get nervous when fucking ugly attention seeking bitches speak to me, nothing personal its just you being a fucking ugly attention seeking bitch which happens to be speaking to me. Moral: Flawless Victory.

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Damn, girl, you're hot... You look just like my mom.

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Wanna have sex?

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Baby, I'm no Flintstone, but I can sure make your bed rock...

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What's a good comeback if a guy asked me "Bring me a sandwich"?? -COmeback with the goddamn sandwich

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B:wanna go out sometime? G:I'll go out now and get away from you.

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Those pants are very becoming on you, of course if i were on you id be cu.mm.ing too

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-You're fat! -No I'm not. -You will be, when my dick is in you

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Man and woman in bed: Man: You know I am somewhat a deviant right? Woman: Sure but I am drunk so lets just do it.. Man: I AM SO GONNA BANG YOU! (Man throws dynamite at woman) Woman: WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUU Moral: BANG INDEED... case closed.

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*Girl walks into restaurant* - Hi, are you sap666 from the dating site? - I'm going to kill your family! Since then, socially awkward penguin never dated anymore....

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I have a .357 magnum pointed at your kidney. Wanna go get some coffee?

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Did anyone ever tell you you smell like Catalina? Did anyone ever tell you you smell like a cat?

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here's 20p, phone your Mum... she'll be the last person you ever speak to so be nice

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Stories from real life part whatever: Me as a twelve year old: Yeah I am incredibly experienced with girls, I mean I know I look very young for a eighteen year old man, but I consider it a advantage of mine... Seventeen year old girl: Really? You are eighteen? Me: Of course, besides II have had intercourse hundred of times, mostly with married women, I enjoy being their "guilty pleasure" Girl: I bet you haven't seen boobs like these though! *shows me boobs* Me: OMG! HOLY SHIT REAL BEEWBS! OMG HOLY CRAP THEY LOOK INCREDIBLE HOLY SHIT EVERYONE I JUST SAW REAL LIFE TITS! I am a winner! Last thing I remember was getting slapped several times and getting spit on, I was too damn happy to give a damn, I was victory. Moral: had you asked me if it worked by then id say "hell yes!", today I doubt it worked as well as it could have...

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-Can I have your name? -Why? Don’t you already have one?

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Hey bitch wanna fuck! SURE! Nah you too sleasy. Moral: And the masters of the universe.

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Him: Nice legs. What time do they open? Her: Members only, I'm afraid,

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Hello little girl would you like some candy, yes? ;-)

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excuse me my eyes are up here thats great........where are your nipples

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!