- So, wanna go back to my place? - Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?

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My wife does not know it but every time we have sex I put a dollar aside to go toward her Christmas present. So far she is getting a cup of coffee.

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You stole my heart..... Don't worry, i have three more back home in my freezer.

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Talk to me or I'll burn your face with this acid.

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You're so hot, you should wear a burkha over your face.

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If i don't have sex in 30 seconds i'll have to kiss you

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Do you believe in rape by first sight? Moral: I think its immoral enough as it is already.

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Boy:can i go out with you? Girl: no

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on a scale from 1 to 10, when did you lose your virginity?

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Knock Knock... Who's there Want Want who Want who fuck

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Hey this is crazy and I just met you so here's the kitchen a sandwich maybe?

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- Does this napkin smell like chloroform to you? There is no response because she passed out from it and he leaves in order to void suspicion.

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M: You make me wanna be a terrorist! W: Why? M: I so wanna blow on you right now...

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You wanna go somewhere? Yeah, where? The Swingers Association.

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Do you have a mirror in your pants, because it looks like you have a dick.

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I might not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you

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guy: do you like sea food? girl: hell yes, I got crabs, would you like some

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Drunk guy with high standards part 3: Man: Dunno woman... you are so big and... and... FAT and really huge and stuff but... well... uh.. you are still really damn hot so lets do it! Man: YAAAAARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Astronauts: Did that guy really eject himself towards the sun? Moral: At least he was right about the really hot part... and that ladies and gentlemen, is the terrible end of the amazing drunk man with high standards, you can read the whole series just by clicking onwards trough my comments and give em a thumbs ups just as you go along.. otherwise they will show up... mean they wo..

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Guy:I invented troll face oh yea! Girl:you gave my daughter nightmares for weeks you b****!(throws drink in face)

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Now this one is for the ladies: Girl: Hey there Alexa! Long time no see! Woman: Indeed dear, so... do you still do YOGA!? Girl: Nah I stopped after the YOGA FIRE! lessons and the YOGA TELEPORT! Lessons where too expensive... Woman: too bad! Can you still bend your legs behind your back though? ;) It looked so sexy... Girl: Oh well, as long as you can still do you YOGA STRETCH tongue you can come home with me and teach me a thing or two since I am just 19 and you are a 35 year old couger... if you know what I mean ;) Woman: Sure! I can teach you a lot of lusty immoral things ;). Conclusion: Girl: Not there... its hurts. Woman: Just relax girl, and it will work... Girl: YES OH YES!!! Moral: To show that my stories also support the ladies ;) Hey... its called the ANTIPICKUPLINE after all right?

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Let me stick it in...just once baby...that's all I'll need. ;)

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GET INTO DA CHOPPAH! Moral: IM LIEUTENANT JOHN KIMBLE! I HAVE A BUNCH OF QUESTIONS YOU HAVE TO ANSWER IMMEDIATELY! Whoos your daddy? YOU STAP IT! YOU IDIEOUT!

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Do you why I know we're going to have sex tonight?

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- So what do you do for a living? - I'm a female impersonator.

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

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The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!