Guy: So do you wanna come over to my place? Girl: Not really but thanks for the offer.

thumb_up thumb_down +29

If I said you had a beautiful body I'd be lying.

thumb_up thumb_down -28

I'd hit that.... with a truck.

thumb_up thumb_down +6

Hey, does this smell like chloroform to you?

thumb_up thumb_down +18

-Isnt this the bus to Vermont? -No, its an pineapple without a flute. -Are you a bus driver? -No, im an umbrella!

thumb_up thumb_down -133

hey girl, were you in 9/11? cause I'll never forget you.

thumb_up thumb_down +25

who wants to play EPAR

thumb_up thumb_down +13

I think your cute. I though you were cute, until I saw you...

thumb_up thumb_down +28

hey angel you duh sexy , if you duh rice i eat you everyday-pha haha

thumb_up thumb_down -24

If you go out with me there might be some smegma in it for you.

thumb_up thumb_down +1

He: pick a number between 1 and 10 Her: 8 He: you lose take your top-off!

thumb_up thumb_down -22

Yeah... you'll have to do.

thumb_up thumb_down +10

Guy: Did it hurt? Girl: Did what hurt? Guy: When you ascended from the depths of hell and broke through the earth's crust?

thumb_up thumb_down -20

" Grab your coat love ...it's cold in my basement"

thumb_up thumb_down +48

Yeah you got me there dude, you really got my bragging rights... I am here with some "just" (nothing special) friend of my wife, that is wearing me out as she wont get off my Swagger, but while mentioning it like this makes me just as depraved as her... Gotta say, woman pleading me to get jumping on my cock, while my wife makes us breakfast... ...Im done being the king, im a fucking God. Anyway, "Eriksen" (you know who I mean) is pissed at me because I was supposed to be at work, and he apparently spends time here looking for me when he knows I am getting down and... Man this woman needs the cock... I mean at this rate she will bang me to death... ...But what a way to go. But seriously, would I really be at work, and allow you to come get my/now your car from garage whose walls are so paper thin that the police and securitas would be on your ass if I was not at least nearby? (well securitas are lazy, but as a lawyer, I benefit from suing them... Again) There are like eight alarms there, and you so gangsta you would get jailed. UPDATE: Punches, not slaps, remember the guy who punched that sweet chick when he got drunk, and then you punched me down and I got up and broke your jaw? Yeah that shit stings still, Five punches, at any time (no haymakers hey, I know my haymakers/uppercuts) but you take five punches... The fuck am I talking to, whigs is here already... Moral: I wont just write this shit just to make it all disappear with a delete button, fuck, im a super sayan!

thumb_up thumb_down +18

And then one day God invented man, the worlds third most useless invention. Moral: I cant stop laughing, thank you everybody I actually got top grades in sociology studies for this moral man crap XD

thumb_up thumb_down +228

Real life again: I was about sixteen: Girl: Hey I hear you are good at tekken tag! Me: Yeah, but I dont play videogames anymore (a lie in order to appear "cooler") Girl: I am pretty good too! I love Kuma and Panda Me: Well, okay... Girl: Want to play with me? Me: Meh... Girl: But I really want to play with you if you know what I mean ;) Me: I dont play tekken... Girl: Not even... "Tekken" ;) ;) Me: Nah... Moral: I am a late bloomer to say the least...

thumb_up thumb_down +94

- Ma'm, do you have a cigarette? - I don't really want one, I just wanted to start a conversation with you.

thumb_up thumb_down -6

Are you from Tennessee? Because I have a lot of family that lives there, maybe we're related.

thumb_up thumb_down +94

the most beatiful woman I have ever seen, so could you move out the way please

thumb_up thumb_down +98

Gaywatch starts

thumb_up thumb_down -30

- Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? - No but I scraped my knees when I climbed up from hell

thumb_up thumb_down -7

GUY: are you trash? cuz i'd like to take you out friday night GIRL: are you trash? cuz you smell like it

thumb_up thumb_down +4

he got me some KY jelly for valentines day saying it was going to make me the happiest woman in the world he was right one squirt of that stuff on my doorknob and he couldn't get in no matter how hard he tried

thumb_up thumb_down +19

Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!