Guy: Your eyes are like the stars. Girl: Is it because the way they sparkle? Guy: No because they are really far apart.

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If you were my daughter id still be bathing you

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Guy: You must put sugar in your cereal every morning... Girl: Why cause I am so sweet :) Guy: No because you haven't been able to see your toes in at least 20 years...

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Man- How much do 2 polar bears weigh? Woman- I don't know? Man- Enough to break the ice, heyy.(;

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At a ... PUB! Man: Hey... wanna... go out with a true shinob i ninja? ;) Woman: Are you not supposed to be invisible or something? Man: You can see me? SHIT! (runs away). Moral: So what if she saw you you are all covered in a pajamas anyways...

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-I wish i were DNA helicase so i could unzip your genes. -You're a loser

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-Do you come here often? -I'm about to.

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For you that think your family are too overprotective when it comes to sex, this was my story as a teenager. Mom: Hi guys! Me and ladyfriend: Hi mom! This is my ladyfriend: (insert your name if you are female) Dad: Woho! Good catch son! *claps me on shoulder* Mom: Dont worry, you guys just go right up and "study" eh ;) eh ;) and we are gonna put the music REALLY LOUD down here! And there is no need to be ashamed of stains nor anything. Dad: No we understand ;) ;) ;) Girl: Uh... you invited me just to study right? Me: Believe it or not I did... Dad: Yeah you two young ones go study! Remember condom though! ;) Girl: Axel! WTF?! *leaves* Me: Mom.. Dad! WTF!? I dont know anything about algebra (not even to this day, and I am almost 30) Dad: Algebra eh? ;) Next time give her a good "algebra". Me: Mom tell that moron tha... Mom: Relax son, I understand that you boys have desires and the next time you take her with you, you dont need to be ashamed or come up with excuse.. Me: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUU! Moral: To believe I learned most my ways by having ladyfriends... despite my parents... Mom and Dad overprotective? Good... trust me!

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Id catch a grenade for ya, but you won't do the same

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Nice hair, can I pull it?

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guy: do you like sea food? girl: hell yes, I got crabs, would you like some

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Have you heard of that new movie "Other People"? Cuz thats what i wanna see.

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Him: I've got something that will fill you up. Her: Sorry, I'm looking for a meal, not an appetizer.

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If you were homework, I would slam you on my table and do you all night long.

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I am Lucifer, my color is blue I already got my queen TO HELL WITH YOU! Moral: Know my name and fear it, I am now and forever.

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I may have never f*cked a 10 before, but I did f*ck five 2's.

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Man: GET IN THE VAN! Woman: NO! Man: Well... How about the Limo? Its got beverages and caviar and... Woman: OOH :D Moral: Always go for the limo first,

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I just shat my pants..... can I get in yours?

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If I said you had a beautiful body I'd be lying.

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do you clean your pants with windex cause i can see myself in them

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-hey girl, you must be a pirate cause you got a lot of booty

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Girl, you must have fallen from heaven...because you're dead.

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Did it hurt? Did what hurt? When you fell from heaven.. and crushed all the people below (for a fat girl)

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Im the demanding customer, your Dominos Pizza, I will make you Cum in 30 minutes or less.

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!