Girl: Go f**k yourself Guy: can you help me?

Did It Hurt when you fell from heaven? No, because I was already dead.

hey Herpes Go Away!

-What sign were you born under? -No Parking.

If i don't have sex in 30 seconds i'll have to kiss you

Guy - Do you want to go outside and play R-a-p-e? Girl - No, Guy - That's the spirit

I've got candy.

Have you just been fishing? The strong fishy smell seems to be coming from you.

Did you just fart coz you're blowing me away!

-Do you come here often? -I'm about to.

Your breast is like a beer holder, you would allow me to store beer in between your breasts, while I talk on the phone

That outfit looks great on you.. .. It would look even better crumpled up in a pile in an evidence bag

Man: Your body is a temple! Woman: Sorry, no services today.

Man: If I were to rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together Woman: So, all you want to do is make MANJUICE? you disgust me...

Hey, you're cute... lets bang.

"Can I buy you a drink or do I have to have sex with you first?"

Guy: Your eyes are like the stars. Girl: Is it because the way they sparkle? Guy: No because they are really far apart.

Whats small, rough, and painful to put in your ass? Sandpaper

If you were a booger, I'd pick you first.

Lady: Is your name REAAAAAAAAALLY Moral? Moral: Stupid big titted bimbo... seems im getting laid tonight...just like I was today, and by midday and... yeah lie.. I mean brag a lot I do not have sex THAT many times a day... okay I lied again... Anyway vote me for president at least I am honest... well actually that was a lie but...

I put the STD in STUD, now all I need is U.

male:hey what that between your leggs female: my sisters penis

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door. Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut. And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

I AM LOVE! I AM LOVE! Moral: Seriously, I have never been QUUUUUITE this happy, shouting I am love is probably not the best move, thanks for your thumbs ups, thumbs downs, and while my work is done here, that does not mean Ill leave, I need to keep my reputation as the fourth, smoothest, aka pointless invention in the world, and unless you want to count that girl Justina Bitcherina, that means that I am the smoothest man alive, THANK YOU THANK YOU! And feel free to vote this down if you cant handle being thanked by the smoothest most awesome man alive. Hey, I get it, we cant all be me ;)

Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

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