roses are red violets are twisted bend over b**** your about to get fisted

thumb_up thumb_down -13

Real life: Me at age 17 or something after sex... Me: Thank you! The girl gives me an ugly look left and I never saw her again (whatever she was fugly) Moral: For real guys, never EVER thank a girl for sex!

thumb_up thumb_down +86

i am with stupid l l l \/

thumb_up thumb_down +214

"Wow, you look so thin! Are you wearing a girdle?"

thumb_up thumb_down +44

Wow! You know, your eyes are like blueberries, wait, can I actually, can I actually, I'm kinda hungry, can I, can I have them?

thumb_up thumb_down -15

Drunken man: Hey sexy ;) what is such a pretty thing doing in this shitty place? wanna come home with me? Nun: I am a nun! And this is a church! Drunken man: I know dammit im not THAT drunk... so what do you say? Nun: Uh... okay...

thumb_up thumb_down +41

I have been known to give women the best fake orgasms ever ;)

thumb_up thumb_down -51

Man:Yeah, hey yo I'm feelin' like Ray Charles I got my shades on, I don't know where they are You couldn't find me even if you had a radar And I spit rapidly AKAR! Woman: OK ok so you claim to be Ray Charles and all, not that you look like him nor have the same voice... but tell me, how the hell did Ray Charles himself manage to get himself stuck in the ladies sauna room eh? Man: To catch the sight of them boobies! I mean... uh... I do not know young lady, I must feel my way out of here, I hmm... no, this is too soft and round to be a doorknob, and this one is too big and round... hmm... maybe if I try lower I will... oh excuse the pole its my walking stick which I keep in my pants...

thumb_up thumb_down +92

Woman: Seriously you are like the perfect man, I barely even met you and want to marry you already! What is your name by the way? Guy: My name is Le Petite Chessedeburger Withnowhitesauce! Woman: I am gay by the way, gotta go feed my uh... my wife yeah my wife.

thumb_up thumb_down +192

-Your father must be an alien because your out of this world -More like out of your league

thumb_up thumb_down +26

Tenth year anniversary female edition: Love, for each day my love grows stronger for you. Too bad honey, I married a old man and was hoping you would be dead by now. Oh! What a shock! Do you really mean that? Sigh... No, whispers: I was just hoping that would give you a stroke that's all) What was that last thing you said? Nothing "dear" Moral: Cyanide, just mash the seeds of six apples, use a syringe and presto! Dead family!

thumb_up thumb_down +17

Girl: Hey, why don't you and I go out to dinner? Guy: Thanks, but if I wanted to watch a whore stuff her face full of meat, I'd just load up Redtube.

thumb_up thumb_down +54

Girl: Hi honey, wanna see a magic trick? Boy: Sure, why not? Girl -POOF- YOU'RE SINGLE!

thumb_up thumb_down -26

Tenth year anniversary Marriage. So what was your name again? Annoying Bitch? Old Hag? I forgot...

thumb_up thumb_down -9

Roses are red, violets are blue, I thought I was ugly, but then I met you

thumb_up thumb_down -8

“I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you.” (Groucho Marx)

thumb_up thumb_down -23

Him: Did it hurt? Her: Did what hurt? Him: Breaking through the earth's crust ascending from hell.

thumb_up thumb_down -58

-- Hey, can I have your number? -- 12

thumb_up thumb_down +67

-Is there anything I can do for you? -Fill my care cup. Oh, actually, I don't think you can manage to do that.

thumb_up thumb_down -67

GEDDINTHEFRIGGENCAR

thumb_up thumb_down +155

Man with huge arms and HUGE muscles enters a... pub! (for variety`s sake) "Hey you like fisting!" Woman: Yeah kinda.. I mean HOLY SHIT NO! I DONT PLEASE STOP NO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOYEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGHHHHHHHHH! Moral: Get a room you two! (a moral man original)

thumb_up thumb_down -85

Is there a mirror in your pants? If so, you should shove it up your ass, it would probably make you look better.

thumb_up thumb_down +83

I'll drop my standards, if you drop your pants ;)

thumb_up thumb_down +36

You have lovely eyes. They'll look better in a pile on my floor in the morning.

thumb_up thumb_down +107

Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!