You're a bit heavier but i think I can fit you in a barrel.

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Want to go out? No

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How much does a polar bear weigh? 1000 pounds

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(At a Funeral) Male: I have a raging erection.

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Man: Honey, I can't choose between watching golf or porn? Wife: Porn. You already know how to golf.

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Sex?

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-Darling, I will never stop pursuing you. Even from the ends of the earth, I will follow you wherever you go. Really, I love you that much. -"Honey", I will call the police and have you thrown in jail for stalking me. Really, I hate you that much.

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I have a really big..... Bank Account

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Guy: Hey, cutie! What's your name? Girl: JOHN CENA.

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Do you wanna be a pirate ship? Because there can be tons of seamen inside of you.

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Guy on phone:ok im on my way. Other guy:who was that,your mom? Guy on phone:no yours. (this is not mine ,its from Cyanide en Happines).

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I have a knife and a penis. Choose which one goes in you.

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male: hey i like you can i have your number female: what number? male: your pin number i want your money

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Online Desperate Asians.com Man: Wow you are a cute asian girl! Where are you from? Girl: Thanks my name Aoi is I am from Japan, you look like nice older man! Man: Japan? Awesome! Remember when we nuked the hell out of your country? Happy days! SLAP A JAP! *Connection discontinued* Man: Eh really sorry, I just get nervous when I meet girls especially the cutest ones... Man: hello?

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Hey baby you looking for a stud? Cuz I've got the STD and all I need now is U

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Are you a broom? Cause you look like a rather dull, inanimate object that collects dust.

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Sickman Fraud: Hmm you look remotely alike my mother... Woman: Uh? Sickman Fraud: Yes fucking you should das probably give me some release, die reason to resist me is not necessary, you envy my pingas and I can assign it to you if you put on this ugly wig and yell "bad boy" whilzt I das fukte das rassenhol... Woman: OMG SICK! Moral: The father of modern psychology? Seriously?! I was going for a bachelor in psychology studies, but its just disgusting.

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Do you wanna go halves in a bastard?

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You're ugly, but you intrigue me.

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Guy - Do you want to go outside and play R-a-p-e? Girl - No, Guy - That's the spirit

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if u were a triangle u'd be an obtuse one fat ass

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- I'm a weatherman, and I'm predicting 9 inches tonight ;) - Oh? Well weathermen aren't always accurate, so it's probably more like 3 inches.

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Babe, you Jewish? cuz your on FIRE!

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Hey baby, let me take you to heaven.

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!