you know what rhymes with hug me LET'S HAVE SEX

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Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Yeah, because I landed on a mailbox, and hit the area between my legs really hard. It's a mess down there. Blood everywhere. And something's oozing, but I don't know what the liquid coming out is. *person who spoke first runs away. bystanders laugh*

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Hi, my name is Justin Bieber

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Close you`re eyes and open you`re mouth. *unzips pants*

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- If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U and I together - U and me - Grammer freak

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Are you from Wales, because...well...

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Hey giiiiiiiiiiirl, I'm no Flinstone but I can make your bedrock.

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male: hey i like you can i have your number female: what number? male: your pin number i want your money

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Do you work at Subway, because you're giving me a footlong. No actually, I once had a job at a local Quizno's Sub Shop. However a tragic fire killed several employees and customers at this very location. I survived, but lost have permanent Third-Degree burns across my body. My life is ruined, prick.

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Man: Honey, I can't choose between watching golf or porn? Wife: Porn. You already know how to golf.

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-hey baby whats your sign? -no parking anytime

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Female: Hey do you wanna come back to my place? Male: I'm actually a broom in disguise.

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Gurl, I'll do you like I do my homework. Slam you on the table and do you all night long!

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Hi, GET IN THE VAN, Drink this, Don't Scream whisper* "does ur body fit in my trunk?"

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Man: Did it hurt when you fell out of heaven? Woman: Did it hurt when they kicked-- *sound of gun clicking* Woman: Thanks!

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M: On a scale of one to America, how free are you tonight? F: North Korea

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Come lay your head upon my chest. (After a moment) Perhaps you'd be more comfortable onmy stomache (pushes head down)

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Male: It's super hard and long. Female: I have always been under the impression that the GED is relatively simple.

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Male: You're so beautiful. Female: Well thank you. Male: Yeah, you look just like my Mom.

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Guy: hey, we have been friends for a long time but I really need to tell you something Girl: omg I love you too :D Guy: what, no no. I'm a zoophilic

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A man is pulled over by a police officer and a conversation takes place: Man: What's the problem officer? Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone. Man: No sir, I was going 65. Wife: Oh Steven. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Steven, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh Steven, you never wear your seat belt. Man: Shut your mouth, woman! Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way? Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

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Hey girl... U remind me of my pinkie toe.. Ur small cite and I'll probably bang u on the coffee table later

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"Is it true you're a lesbian?"

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- How 'bout we go to your place and take a shower together? - I think my husband and little baby would get a kick out of that!

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!