(At a Funeral) Male: I have a raging erection.

thumb_up thumb_down +122

Man: Hey... wanna join me at my big mansion and have a friendly discussion? Girl: A mansion eh? Well.. sure! At the mansion: Man: MUAHAHAHAHA! I am gonna r@pe you! Girl: NO PLEASE! I am not drun.. uh not ready yet! 5 minutes later: Woman: OUCH! ouchie! That hurts! Stop it! ITS TOO HARD! Man: HAHA AND TAKE THIS GRAPE! AND THIS GRAPE! Oh... never mind this is one has turned a raisin... AND THIS GRAPE!... so uh... anyway wanna move on to the "lovers room" later? Want some more Champagne by the way? AND THIS GRAPE, AND THIS ONE IS REALLY BIG AND HARD! GET READY! Woman: Yeah sure... sigh... just get done with this weirdness already... damn these eccentric millionaires... OUCH! OOF!

thumb_up thumb_down -50

You are the personification of beauty. ,..Wanna Shag?

thumb_up thumb_down -15

Man: "Did you fall from heaven? 'Cause it looks like you landed on your face"

thumb_up thumb_down +218

- Lets get outta here and have some fun - If you got your fathers dick....no

thumb_up thumb_down +34

-You know I've always had a thing for blondes -thats funny, i've always had a thing for girls

thumb_up thumb_down +121

Shall I compare you to a summer's day? Damn you're hot!

thumb_up thumb_down +4

Hey good looking, what some mayonnaise?

thumb_up thumb_down +178

-Baby, do you know karate? Your body is kickin'! -I do actually. Would your crotch like a demonstration?

thumb_up thumb_down +320

Do you have sunburn, or are you always this hot? It's sunburn.

thumb_up thumb_down +38

-Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots? -Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

thumb_up thumb_down +186

Guy: I lost my phone number, Can I have yours? Girl: Your phone service would help you get a new one.

thumb_up thumb_down -30

Boy-Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Girl-Not until I heard that horrible pick-up line.

thumb_up thumb_down -62

-Hey, do you have a cat? -Why do you ask? -Because I'd love to pet your pussy. -Well, that makes two of us.

thumb_up thumb_down -33

Are you the sun? Because you need to stay about 92,960,000 miles away from me.

thumb_up thumb_down +14

Man: So you will come home with me later? Girl: Sure! Man: Great then ill just go find more women I can bang later in the meantime... Moral: Depending of the kind of woman, this is of no consequence...

thumb_up thumb_down -98

-Hey, what's your sign? -I don't know, but yours must be Cancer.

thumb_up thumb_down +47

-I'll do anything,no matter how kinky it is if you can say it in three words. -Clean my house.

thumb_up thumb_down +34

Man... MAN! Sorry if I just skimmed that last message dude, but if you getting me that shit, you are my fucking God, you got a new custom engine or something? Whatever man, im getting over there right now, Son, I might actually try the towing trick, because that might make me arrive at your place (no worries wont tell anyone where your playboy mansion is at) but you still got it there right? MORAL MORAL MORAL MORAL... Oh and no, id never ever use that piece of shit I used to call a car in the forest, if you are serious man, ill take the damn cab! I mean man, I just cant wait to tell the beardy little faggot at the carshop to stick that yeah "car" up his gay ass! Seriously dude, my phone aint working but that can wait, you really mean I can have the car? Seriously, how much? I got some money.

thumb_up thumb_down +7

Damn girl! You`re fat and ugly! its ok though, cuz Im desperate!

thumb_up thumb_down +60

He: Do you like aardvarks? She: No. He: Neither do I, I'm Harold...

thumb_up thumb_down +4

On a scale from 1 to 10, can I get your number?

thumb_up thumb_down -47

Girl: Hey classy older man, wanna get to know me better? Man: Sigh... sorry lady I am the man that played Gandalf in that... shitty lords of something movie... Girl: so what? Man: Sigh... you know.. Gandalf the white and Gandalf the gay...? Girl: Huh? Man: Ever seen the X-men? Girl: Yeah... Man: ONE WORD: FAGNETO! Girl: uh.. okay.. "leaves". Ian McKellen: Sigh... should have come out of the closet sooner...

thumb_up thumb_down -19

- You must be a parking ticket cause you have fine written all over you - You must be a wellfare check then.

thumb_up thumb_down +215

Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!