If I could rearrange the alphabet, I wouldn't.

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- Hey, I have 40 minutes to live and need to feel the touch of a woman to live. -I'm a dude.

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He: If i were a carpenter i would nail you She: If i were a hammer i would hit you

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Guy: Have you ever been to Thailand? Girl: No Guy: Well maybe I should take you to Bangkok

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Boy: Did it hurt? Girl: Did what hurt? Boy: When you burst through the asphalt, emerging from the depths of hell.

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Guy: Hey want to hear a joke about my penis? No wait it's too long Girl: Hey want to hear a joke about my vagina? No wait you won't get it.

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i'm a doctor.... maybe i can fix that thing you call a face

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- You must be tired, you've been running through my mind all day. -No, your mind is so small I can't even take a step in it!

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I thought you were cute, so the voices told me to come say hi.

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Man: Wow girl, you are so hot you remind me of my wife when she was young.. wanna come to my place for a quick one before she comes back? Girl: Sigh... this AGAIN? I told you! If you are gonna get that drunk, get out of our home and go to a bar daddy!

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Guy: wow! Why are you naked and on top of me? Girl: What are you talking about! We are at a bar! Guy: Oh sorry I am a psychic and keep getting flashes of the near future...

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If you go out with me there might be some smegma in it for you.

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Did it hurt when you burst through the concrete emerging from hell? Yes, yes it did.

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Guy: Have you ever seen a rhinoceros? Girl:No. Why? Guy: So you don't have a mirror in your house?

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your boobs are bigger than my nose

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My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm but I accidentally gave her the glue stick, she is still not talking to me.

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Okay, now one where I actually succeeded okay? I know this is not like "goodpickuplines.com nor anything but hey... She: I used to have the nicest goldfish. Me: I got one myself. She: Really? Is it at your place? Me: Duh! She: Lol can we go see it? Me: Sure!... Oh wait... Oh, it died last week :( She: Can we like you know... still go see it? ;) *That sound you get when you score a billion billions on an arcade machine*

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Damn you look good in beer goggles.

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-Want to get on your knees and suck my dick? -No thanks, I have enough Tic Tacs at home.

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Hey babe, how about my mom drives us to the comic book store in her Civic? I got a carseat with seat belts for two.

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"Hey can I get your number?" "-12 Like the inches of your dick."

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Excuse me, does this smell like chloroform to you?

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Did It Hurt when you fell from heaven? No, because I was already dead.

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Him: Did it hurt? Her: Did what hurt? Him: When you fell from the whore tree and banged everyone on the way down

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!