(in a bar) Guy: Know how to play any instruments? Girl: No...but I wanna learn. Can you teach me? Guy:Sure..ever heard of the skin flute? Girl: (unaware) No. Can you teach me to play it? Guy: Sure, I can. :) (The girl leaves with the guy as he looks over his shoulder and winks with the thought of getting laid)

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How much does a whales weigh? How much? Just enough to make you look skinny.

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Mirrors can't talk, luckily for you they can't laugh either

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Do you wanna be a pirate ship? Because there can be tons of seamen inside of you.

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-Hey, what's your sign? -I don't know, but yours must be Cancer.

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my girlfriend is really insecure about her weight so much so that I'm thinking about detaching the reverse alarm

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Farewell to thy, you have been most amusing. Moral: Has left the building.

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Want to go out? No

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Man: GASP! Why is my penis inside your vagina? Why do you keep thrusting and screami... Woman: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT ASSHOLE! Man: Uh... what where am... Oh... Forgive me, I am a psychic and I keep getting premonitions of the near future... Moral: GASP WHAT ARE YOU FEMALE READERS DOING WITH MY PINGAS INSIDE YOUR MOUTH!

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Damn girl! You`re fat and ugly! its ok though, cuz Im desperate!

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Nero: My name is Nero... Woman: Why I mean you aint black? Nero: Sure about that? Moral: In the Darkness... We are all the same...

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Hey... wanna hang out with a guy that thumbs ups his own comments? ;)

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MAN: You wanna know what's beautiful? Read the first word again. WOMAN: You wanna know what's desperate? Read the first word again!

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-If I could rearrange the alphabet... that would be nice..

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So which of you ladies wants to recieve child support payments from me next year?

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My therapist says I should meet new people.

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- You're a bombshell! - Too bad it ain't gonna BANG!

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Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but here's my number, so shove it up your A$$.

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- Ma'm, do you have a cigarette? - I don't really want one, I just wanted to start a conversation with you.

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-Heyyy there (; -Im lesbian.

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Ay girl, those jeans make your ass look fat. Now I'ma get you pregnant while you make breakfast.

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GIRL: I bet you say that to all the girls you meet. MAN: How much you want to bet? No wait, I better not make that bet. (or) MAN: Only half the ones I get this far in conversation with. The other half are a little bit easier to get in bed with.

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girl:go away! boy:okay girl:i need space boy:okay just one meter girl: no i"m not kidding boy:i know girl:my mother hate's you boy:i hate her too.! girl:we are now break boy:okay i"m hungry lets eat! girl:you don't understand me boy:no i"m understand you girl:you are philosopher i hate you boy:what? girl:nothing at the end of the story they loved each other

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Girl: Are you a doctor? Because I think I have the flu. *sneeze*

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!