I love you more than my jar of fingers.

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sound of zipper

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You allergic to semen?

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If i could rearrange the alphabet, id violate your ass hole.

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Golf.

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I hope you like trees because I've got wood!

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Hey you've got the most beautiful f*cked up teeth I've ever seen.

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- Ma'm, do you have a cigarette? - I don't really want one, I just wanted to start a conversation with you.

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I take the the out of psychotherapist

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Real life again: I was about sixteen: Girl: Hey I hear you are good at tekken tag! Me: Yeah, but I dont play videogames anymore (a lie in order to appear "cooler") Girl: I am pretty good too! I love Kuma and Panda Me: Well, okay... Girl: Want to play with me? Me: Meh... Girl: But I really want to play with you if you know what I mean ;) Me: I dont play tekken... Girl: Not even... "Tekken" ;) ;) Me: Nah... Moral: I am a late bloomer to say the least...

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You're gorgeous! Can you smell that? Oh god it's awful!

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-Good thing I brought my library card, 'cause I'm checking you out! -What a shame, it's expired.

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Woman: lol you are get nervous when I speak to you! Man: Yeah, I get nervous when fucking ugly attention seeking bitches speak to me, nothing personal its just you being a fucking ugly attention seeking bitch which happens to be speaking to me. Moral: Flawless Victory.

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Girl! you are almost as awesome as horsehead network! Moral: I got balls of steel!

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Are you a dementor? Cause you take my breath away.

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Do you like a trimmed bush? Because I'm a gardener. Here's my business card, call me, seriously I need the work.

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He-Are you from Tennesse? Still He-Cu'z I wanna suck ur face off..

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Me. Would you like me to get you a ring for valentines day? Girlfriend: Nothing would make me happier! So I got her nothing...

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You like my boobies ;) Girl: I said no you disgusting fat bastard! Moral: What fucking kind of MOTHERFUCKING MORAL are you expecting to find here?!?

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Roses are red, Violets are blue, Blob fish are ugly and so are you.

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Sex?

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- You're a bombshell! - Too bad it ain't gonna BANG!

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If i'd ask you if you want to f*ck me, would your answer be the same as to this question?

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How much does a polar bear weight? Enough to break the ice... and throw you into the freezing water and drown you, because you're really ugly.

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!