- If you were a booger I'd pick you first - If you were a booger I'd throw you away...

He: Hey bay wanna danc- She: Leave.

SEE WHAT’S UP, DOWN UNDER.

my dick is 2 inches

Excuse me, is your father a gardener? No. Why? Because he keeps leaving all his dry leaves on my sidewalk please tell him to clear it!

I hope you know CPR, because you so ugly you take my breath away

Let me stick it in...just once baby...that's all I'll need. ;)

knock knock. whos there. interupting cow. inter... mooo!

Girl, do you believe in love by first sight? Uh maybe... Okay, let me see if those titties of you are real or wonderbra or silicone or whatever... Moral: You are fantastic, you know who you remind me of? Myself ;)

—hey girl, how about you give me your phone number and I'll pay half of your order. —sure *passes a paper and paid for the things. The girl walked away* The boy flips open the paper "911, call my dad and ask for me"

-Get in the Van

Man:Yeah, hey yo I'm feelin' like Ray Charles I got my shades on, I don't know where they are You couldn't find me even if you had a radar And I spit rapidly AKAR! Woman: OK ok so you claim to be Ray Charles and all, not that you look like him nor have the same voice... but tell me, how the hell did Ray Charles himself manage to get himself stuck in the ladies sauna room eh? Man: To catch the sight of them boobies! I mean... uh... I do not know young lady, I must feel my way out of here, I hmm... no, this is too soft and round to be a doorknob, and this one is too big and round... hmm... maybe if I try lower I will... oh excuse the pole its my walking stick which I keep in my pants...

If I could rearange the alphabet id put "I-W-A-N-T-S-E-X-Y-O-U together. SIr, not really but that was kinda impressive. Me: I know...

Hey :) Hi Do you like me? :) No :'( You never asked if i loved you... Awhhhh do you love me :) No

Man: Wanna come to my place? Woman: Maybe if you take of the ski-mask and black clothing... Man: But then you'll ruin the surprise! :(

I might not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you

-hey baby whats your sign? -no parking anytime

"OMG A SAMSUNG!" Lol, thats cool man, as for the car, the engine is shiny and flawless, (you know for a fiat) and I have not used it since I you know "bought it" as in won it from my ex while playing poker? Id give it back to her if she was not such a bitch. Honestly dude, its a fiat, and that piece of shit you call a car, I mean man, we have been towed from the free way like six times already? XD And that is just the few times I want to sit in that piece of shit XD I mean the seats pop off and there is "custom space to transport marijuana there man XD" I seriously hope you bought it that way, because stoners aint my friends. Seriously dude, the Fiat (aka "car") is yours, you know that you are bankrupt because you keep trying to fix that piece of shit on wheels of yours XD, and hey, surprise kiddo, I renewed the engine, so its new and shiny, and free, and fuck if not only the engine itself is worth ten more times than... A billion of those pieces of shit you drive XD No seriously, you know me, Im The Hannibal, I am the beast but I like it classy, and its pretty embarrassing sitting on that piece of shit you call for a car. I know we are from different worlds pal, but take it, just gave myself a bonus at work (legal of course) but I got to say it... "A SAMSUNG OMG" XD And yeah, I know you been eyeballing that "car" aka Fiat, its yours whenever you want it, just tell people I am leasing it to you (I mean it I really do, thats my only condition) Moral: "I DRIVE PIECES OF SHIT FOR BREAKFAST!" PROTIP FOR GETTING ANYWHERE IN YOUR CAR: Put it The opposite way, and have the towing car tow you TOWARDS the place you want to get to XD (hey, how many times you been towed JUST from the freeway? I mean I hate hunting, but do you really use that shit in the Forrest too? Answer here, be real, and come get your car.

Hey girl, I heard you are a lesbian! So which part of lesbia are you from? Moral: Geography is overrated, he got laid.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I thought I was ugly, but then I met you

Why didn't the boy make the soccer team? He missed the tryouts

-hey girl, you must be a pirate cause you got a lot of booty

- Grab your coat, you've pulled - Okay, Bye!

Do you know karate... 'Cause I wanna know if you can fight back!

Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

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