Man: hey... you seem pretty paralytic and unable to move in that wheelchair ;) Woman: uh oh...well actually I can move a bit... Man: Good because I do not wanna do ALL the thrusting back and forth... Woman: Bu.. but... I... I do not want to... Man: Well if you do not want sex, then just run away... ;) FATALITY... FLAWLESS VICTORY... RAPEALITY!

thumb_up thumb_down +29

Boy: Did it hurt? Girl: *sigh* Did what hurt? (Expecting him to say "When you fell from heaven") Boy: When you broke through the earths crust, ascending from hell.

thumb_up thumb_down +33

M: Your clothes look great on you. They would even better on my floor. F: No they wouldn't, they would just get dirty. M: You and me should get dirty then. F: Why would I want to get dirty, I'm perfectly fine being clean?

thumb_up thumb_down +107

Grapist: I bet you like getting Graped, tied up and beaten muahahahahaha! I am so gonna do the worst things to you! Woman: YES PLEASE! Man: MAAAAAAAAAAAN your not fun anymore... Moral: Its not grape if she wants it... and I guess grapists dont like that... remember that girls whenever someone is gonna rape you just say YES unless they yell surprise though... then its surprise sex.

thumb_up thumb_down -38

Man- According to my magic watch you're not wearing any underwear. Woman- Yes, I am! Man- Damn! I guess my watch is 15 minutes fast.

thumb_up thumb_down +181

Boy: Do you have a boyfriend? Girl: I don't have a boyfriend but I have a Girlfriend !

thumb_up thumb_down -24

I have one thing to say to all the woman who look at me as a sex object. Hey.

thumb_up thumb_down +14

Sexual harassment, it can be a touchy subject.

thumb_up thumb_down -7

Man at a restaurant (that is out of everything but bar stools and alcoholic drinks): Man: Die monster! You don't belong in this world! Woman: Uh? Oh! Nice tribute to the cheesy Castlevania lines! Man:Tribute!?! You steal men's souls and make them your slaves! Woman: Uh... well with most of you men lacking a spine nowadays... I cant truly disagree with you... Man: Your words are as empty as your soul! Mankind ill needs a savior such as you! Woman: Savior? Who do you think I am? But now I am annoyed *throws glass that breaks* have at you! *slaps man* Man: HYDRO STORM! Throws a flask of water upwards as it breaks on the floor splashing the woman... Woman: NOW I AM ALL WET! YOU MORON! Dont you know me? Man: Man: M-Maria? Uh... What happened? Shaft: Damn you broke free from your spell! But it is too late! Muahahaha! Castlevania has already become a bar! Richter: Well... that's fine to me, as long as Dracula does not STEAL MEN`S SOULS! Shaft: Relax, he is into business now... Richter: Your words are as empty as your soul! Mankind ill needs a businessman such as him! Shaft: Seriously! I invite you both at its VIP lounge and free beer to make up for the past mistakes... Richter: Excellent! But now feel my unbridled wrath!!!!! *punches Shaft* Shaft: Ouch! So... are we even now? Richter: Considering the free beer... okay... As they arrived Castle Barlevania they both got drunk and played "vampire killer" at the stage all night... Moral: Not much a Anti-Pick up line you say? Not only did Richter make a fool out of himself, but he also got her wet ;)

thumb_up thumb_down +2

hey babe, are you made of copper, tellerium, tungsten and iridium? because i like people made of copper, tellerium, tungsten and iridium.

thumb_up thumb_down -28

Guy: (Walks up to girl) "I do not think it is a girls body that makes her special, it is her personality that really counts". Girl: "Well that's to bad because you can't have sex with my personality". (Then walks away)

thumb_up thumb_down +15

How to get 12 chicks at once... Well more than eleven but this is just so you losers that get nothing learn something while I get the creds arride? Round one: Be popular at school (I am 32 now being a goddamn lawyer means ugly bitches everywhere, so I gotta meet up with my schoolyear friends see? It can still be done. How you get popular? Say whats on your mind, you like that gals tits? You go, WOAH LADY, Hey I am Nero, I dont know you and this is gonna sound rude, BUT LADY THOSE ARE SOME RIPE MELONS SOMEDAY I WANT TO CHOP THEM DOWN WITH MY DICK YA KNOW? (They wont take you seriously and just laugh, then you look at them blush and thing... Wow THEY ARE TAKING THIS SERIOUS ITS JUST ME THAT WAS NOT!) Round two: Invite them over for girls only parties. When I was young, I was like "Girls only party? Thats weird" Today I am more like "Yo gal its a girls only partey at my house? Why I am gonna be here? Because I am gonna try fuck you see? (Tip, dont say that if they aint yo friends first, the first time you can say: BECAUSE IN THIS HOUSE YOU CRAZY LESBO GALS NEED SOME HEAVY MALE SUPERVISION. (So I am gonna have to use my cock to restrain your pussies from getting to close to one other see? But guys, you dont say that the first time, I mean keep it classy right? WROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG Still dont go all "Cock this pussy that, no... Basically you say serious stuff but dont sound serious with your voice see? ROUND Whatever: Okay? This is gonna be the hardest part for you, I mean at the age of fourteen I was already banging a forty year old bitch with two kids (my teacher, and not only sex teacher, and nah I did not get grades there, not at school just for sex class... Not really.. So this part is really fucking complicated okay? I mean for juz... You get something fun (playstation with some piss ass game with stuff girls like or some dumb ass shit like a photo album or whatever they like) You (act) I (am natural) like you are all not tense right? So you tell them to give you high fives over.. Whatever... Then you go like "aww dats cute, and pat one on the head while carefully touching another (Girls go like, hey this dude aint flirting he is just chill body language) Which in women language means, "Omg he is touching me and when I sit on his lap his... Cough... you guys would not understand, you know when the Bruce Banner turns into the Hulk right? Except no stretchpants, and no green (eugh!) SO THIS IS THE HARD PART (No no fucking puns this is serious lesson dudes and dudettes) You carefully ask: So, you gals ever been all fucked one guy at once? I mean I am not saying you are cowards if you say no to me, I am just an adventurer and got good taste, and you my ladies, are high class. Ps: Make sure they are high class, I mean get a lot of friends, befriend the ugly ones too (they give it all but meh, so many women so little... Shots... SO, if you have kept your confidence, you can dare them to do stuff with you, and whenever they are touching you crazy, you go... "OKAY GIRLS IF YOU WANT IT I AM GONNA GIVE IT TO YOU, NOW YOU GOT ME HORNY I DID NOT WANT TO DO THIS BUT I AM PULLING MY HOSE OUT!" (Seriously it works, It did the first time, and well, I never banged 11 chicks again but its a little excessive really, threesomes are the best, but sometimes when YOU invite them to girls only sleep parties (I am a man btw, just saying, either that or I am a woman with a.. Nvm...) PROTIP: If you are having trouble getting their attention ride? If they dont cum sit with you because you playing some shitty ass dance game (Kickdance? I forgot one where you fight and dance pressing fucking buttons works nice, the final boss is a helicopter... So I have been told right? PS4) THEN... YOU JUST PUT ON SOME SHITTY ASS MUSIC ON YOUR SURROUND, AND CRANK UP THE VOLUME UP TO 8999 (Hah you thought I was gonna)... And then they will ALL come running all like "WTF MAN ARE YOU INSANE! WE ARE TRYING TO READ/LESBO/Waiting for u to fuck us etc, CAN YOU PLEASE TURN THE SOUND DOWN? WHat do you do then? "Oh sorry ladies, had I known my hut was full of sexy girls today..." Well anyways in this example you invite them, and if you wanna be noob, you do it simple and get a gal to invite you... I mean your friends are all gonna be "You go at girls only sleepovers? LOL!" Then when you banging eleven chicks, you go like "Sleepover? Who is sleeping, LOL!) WARNING: Be respectful man, keep the locker talk to yourself, I mean why the hell you wanna brag about what you scored to guys right? Its not about scoring, its about love and sharing rite? I MEAN BE SMART, IF YOU DONT BRAG TO YOUR DUDES, THE GALS ARE GONNA START BRAGGING ABOUT IT TO THEIR GALS IN THE SHOWERS GET ME HERE? Now... If I can get 11 (one backed out, be respectful right? Just tell her its allright, and that you respect her feelings and decisions and jadajada (its not that I dont care, it becomes routine sometimes, gotta catch them all, but a man such as myself can admit that a girl ready and steady can go "No wait, its too big/My husband might find out/I cant do this because some fucking reason... Yeah because if you force yourself upon the ladies, I hope they kill you, because if they do not, I will never kill you, just always make you beg for death... ...And then bang your mama, man wants to fuck some old not so pretty (fucking ugly even sometimes) women sometimes, and that way you are taking away their territory. Oh, and dont fuck their sisters unless they allow you to HEY HARRIS!... Oh wait, he is probably asleep, my man aint on vacation like your man here ladies... Seriously I was wondering why a man such as me needs to bang an old lady sometimes... And its not only for the sake of variation right? I mean I am older now, but fit, blonde and tan (I know blonde is weird for a latino, but its my natural right?) But when you are mighty, and the ugly fat mama by your side wont even dare dream about you seducing her... (grab her ass she wont even believe it, try it) Then you make her dream come true, you are her GOD, HER ANGEL (if kindness is raw sex) HER SAVIOR FROM FUCKKERONIA... ...Besides, you guys got to start somewhere... FINALLY, WHAT YOU DO NOT DO!. 1. Your mom... Unless she is hot and does not ask you to pull your pants up when you drop them and have a boner but blushes, I said nothing, just that I used to have a weird realationship with my mother in bed and love her (as a mother you fucking pervert). 2. Dont go around doing random anal, thats just stupid. 3. Condoms? Dunno, Im sterile, kinda sad, very awesome, some claim I am bangaholic because I can just practice sharing the seed with the world... Who cares, ANYWAY, IF YOU CANT FIND ANYTHING BUT A ROTTEN UGLY BITCH YOU JUST GOT DRUNK THAT SMELLS LIKE ASS (everywhere), have some self respect, AND FORGET THE CONDOM AND FORGET THE BITCH! All girls today go on protection okay? 4.DO NOT GET THEM DRUNK! I mean what are you gonna do when she passes out? Rape her? Try put your tongue in her mouth before she throws up? I have been at parties like that and left in disgust, YOU DISGUST ME INSECT! TELL ME WHERE YOU LIVE SO I CAN CALL SOMEONE STRONGER AND WITH MORE TIME THAN ME TO RAPE YOU! SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT! 5. Feel free to drink something however, wine, dunno I am diabeetus but go low carb and work out so I dont use insulin nor alcohol rite? 6. DO NOT GO... Hmm, about 22 hours without eating anything... Seriously no wonder I cannot remember the 131 golden rules... Not that ill put them here. 7. Do not abuse, do not film with cell/anything, not unless you bang em and they have been your friend for years and you (dont ask, offer!), do not brag, do not be a bitch. 8. Do not call them bitches, unless they behave like bitches, do not slap them, but if they try to kill you and are huge, PUNCH EM THE BATTLE FOR SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST JUST BEGAN BOYZ AND GRILLS! (Yeah grills) 9. You gotta eat... No wonder my... Well, you know... Lets be subtle Cock/penis/dingdong/DickCheney/zevs/Giganticus/etc... Damn, I seriously need some food here, anyway... Yeah I banged my mom, I was basically a kid... And I am typing as if I fucking care what you think... SO RULE NUMBER NINE, DIABETES OR NOT. 10. IF YOU EVER THANK HER AFTER SEX.... I did that once, (accident I was like 17) And she said "What?" I said NOTHING, and I got lucky after getting lucky... Phew... 11 FINAL: Be yourself, dont go pick up trash, no alpha man leader of men homo stuff (leader of men my ass, I want them away not lead them around) 12. BONUS OBJECTIVE: IF YOU CANT BE YOURSELF, YOU READ A BOOK ON HOW TO BE YOURSELF, and if it tells you what to do and how to think... ...Throw it out the window... 13. Winners dont do drugs, DO I SOUND LIKE I AM ON DRUGS? SURE! Am I quietly typing while you are imagining my voice in your head? THATS BECAUSE YOU DID WEED, AND LOSING THE POWER OF YOUR DICKUS BIGGUS IS A SIN! (not that I am a believer, I mean I am living in paradise already so...) 14. Seriously, get women, get lots of them, and well, id say you wont need drugs, but what do I know, I just cant go without my daily smoke after well... I dont fuck every day, honestly I am a lawyer, be sincere with yourself and the girls, anyway, except tobacco I NEVER DONE SHIT I MEAN WHEN MY FRIEND WAS SMOKING WEED AT MY PLACE I TOLD HIM GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE ASSHOLE! And the other time he was smoking weed at his own home I did the same, he threw a chair at me and grabbed a knife before slipping on a chair and crying LOL (he is 34) So seriously, I type like a madman and fuck like the beast himself, but you just need to keep it classy and... WROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG! NEVER KEEP IT CLASSY, NOT TOO NASTY EITHER... THen again what is too nasty anyways? I mean if you are into bestiality or something "good for you", but you know... ...Session recess, I need to eat and sleep... Cuz both these gals snore a lot, thats why I kindly offered (ITS STILL AN OFFER I COULD HAVE MADE THEM DO IT) sleeping on this damn hard couch... Excuse me ladies and gentlemen, ill probably die if I do not eat much (Diabeetus... Sexy... Not really...) Id say thank you, but when someone tells a man something nice, he either says I KNOW and when I offer you this I AM PROPER ENOUGH TO SAY YOU ARE WELCOME!!!!!!!!!!! Dont bother paying me when it works, I am a lawyer I only get paid when things work, and everything... Anyway... Gotta eat... Good night ladies. Tip: Girls if you masturbate thinking about me at night, you gonna sleep much better, as for you guys, blargh, just the ladies tell me if it works okay? Because I care, and if it dont work YOU ARE DOING IT WROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG! Good night (Dunno about you, its 12:41 and I havent slept or eaten in 23 hours, so Good night, and if its day there, then fuck yourself, gently ;) WITH A CHAINSAW Do you see how I brag? How I fill the world with my prescense wherever I go? That is the mark of a king ladies, but dont settle to some fucking internet site if you want to be THE EMPEROR Like me... And dont deny it, you thinking "that dood is crazy I mean look how metal he is" And that is ladies and fucks, because they dont call me Nero Metal, because I listen to power rock/Videogame music (See I am being myself, you think videogames are stoopid) SIR YOU LIE YOU ARE A LOSER!!! PRETENDING LIKE YOU DO NOT LIKE VIDEOGAMES TELLING PEOPLE YOU NEVER PLAY WHILE CHATTING ON THE PS4 PLAYING TORIBASH AND ALL THAT SHIT? (Kdice? Yeah World of Nerdcraft and MinecraftNerd, can burn in hell) Aww, I am getting fed by a sleepy wowwy Rebecc... NO DO NOT FEED ME EVER! I BITE! "She going, you still typing that stuff?" I telling her "Yeah, I am here swinging my super sayan swagger and you sir will thumb this up for one reason only... And no, its not because I am crazy, because I am not... I AM INSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! And if this is being insane, who cares what you or even I think, I get what you dont... Psst... come closer, ill whisper to you why you hate me, why you thumb this down with your shit mouse... come closer... psst... BECAUSE UUUUUUR JELLY AS HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLL! Anyway, fuck these damn Albondigas are good... Since when can your sis make... Wherever the fuck these are from? Lol, you idiots Harris and friends dared me to post all this shit... Guys I never really cared about the challenge right? I DID IT BECAUSE I WANT TO! AND I DO WHAT I WANT, I TAKE WHAT I DESIRE, I RULE THIS FUCKING UNIVERSE! I broke a sweat though, Nervous? Fuck you crazy Harris my nigga and company? Tomorrow the guys are gonna be all "LOL THIS CRAZY FUCKER POSTED ALL THAT SHIT AND... After uh, fucking my sister..." JELLY!!!!!!!! Hey Harris, send me a message (not here you fucktard on the cell) if you read this fantastic piece of writing/Guide for the life of a deity, and remember you owe me was it 40 bucks for posting this? And then forget about it hombre, keep your little money, because I got a lot of it... And what difference would it have made if I did not have it huh? Money and no woman, now thats cry folks... So this is the short version okay? Because the long version is too awesome for you nerds to read... I used to be a nerd too until I took 3200 PAIR OF TITS TO THE FACE AND... Number something scores on TWAtter! xD, No seriously Harris, keep your cash man, this is fun, and not for the challenge (what challenge XD) but rather for you know... ...DISPLAying my POOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER! Now, sure you can call me crazy, but do you call Vegeta crazy when he goes FINAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL FLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASHHHHHHHHHH! NO you wish you could roar like Vegeta/Me, and I dont watch that shit nomore (I read the fanon comics on that site with the universes tournament shit) So you are AAAAAAAAAAL JEEEEEEEEELLLYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!! *John Cena Music as I kick his Homo ass XD* Ps: I am no DBZ fanMAn I tell you, I watched when Superman murdered Goku, and then lobotomized him after violating and desacrated his body... And it was delicious... THIS IS DELICIOUS! So what was the fucking bet about again? Me not typing over 50 words? ARE YOU FUCKING HAPPY? Me too, this was kinda fun, keep your money guys (Harris and about ten other douchebags) Please, I can give you my car, and then get the very same model as I blow yours up... Somehow. Well, my Sayan rush is over, remember: Goku dying slowly, I watched it on slow motion, ON ZOOM, ON A TELESCOPE! It it was delightfull, TYPOS WHO CARES I DO APPARENTLY THESE ALBONDIGAS HAVE TOO MUCH CARB GONNA GO EAT... Something GOODNIGHT... Damn I forgot, where that fraiser from? He says Goodniiiiiiiiight, randomcity! Lol "do I dare push the button" "DUH OF COURSE NOT, POSTING THIS WOULD BE SUPER SAYAN SWAGGER.

thumb_up thumb_down -19

Woman: Hey hot stuff! Are you new around he... Man: Eh, I am not comfortable with women hitting on me, even hot ones like you, its just uh... awkward and... Woman: uh sorry, its not like I was hitting on you nor anything ;), Why dont you hit on me? Man: Uh... I err.. how you... uh... *the guy proceeds to stare at the floor for the next five minutes then runs out crying* Moral: NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERD!

thumb_up thumb_down -82

Nice Shirt. It would look better on my bedroom floor.

thumb_up thumb_down +70

Guy: Have you ever seen a rhinoceros? Girl:No. Why? Guy: So you don't have a mirror in your house?

thumb_up thumb_down -32

Hey babe, how about my mom drives us to the comic book store in her Civic? I got a carseat with seat belts for two.

thumb_up thumb_down -44

Are your legs tired? cuz ive got a raging boner and need to get rid of it

thumb_up thumb_down -34

If I could rearrange the alphabet i would pass on it.

thumb_up thumb_down +13

At the library: So girl, how about we find a nice quiet place? Moral: Location, location...

thumb_up thumb_down +56

Male: What's on your mind? Female: How bad you must be at sex.

thumb_up thumb_down +4

- Can I have your number? - Sure. Twelve.

thumb_up thumb_down -60

He:*walks over* She: What is it now? He:*Unzips fly.* She : OH DEAR CHRIST NO

thumb_up thumb_down +68

For the males that do not know what I mean with "woman screams" comment below... well HAHAHAHAHAH LOSERS LOOOOOOOOOOOSEEEEEEEEERS! Moral: Read a book about females more interesting parts one day you lazy bastard... as for the girls... I am not talking about anything bad nor dirty... just 12 hour orgasms and such nice things... WHAT? YOU GONNA TELL ME THAT IS HORRIBLE? Well in that case you dont know what you are missing... and you wont ever know.... Ps: Can you believe I am actually trying to get thumbs downs but keep getting upped? Thanks for accepting my ever growing controversial nature, lets keep it that way and soon moral man will uh... receive a medal for uh... well a small keychain for... uh... you know what? Never mind.

thumb_up thumb_down +31

-Hey, have we met before? -No, because I don't remember ever seeing a face that made me this nauseous.

thumb_up thumb_down +11

Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!